Watevs...

The weight of the world

I’m not usually one to theorise insanely, but I’m going to anyway because frankly my mental health is diminishing rapidly due to work-place boredom and also because the lines I’ve drawn between several highly speculative conjectures are hard to ignore. Or are they? You be the Judge. Or do you? The two biggest issues in the world today are direct cures for the last decade’s biggest issue. Coincidence? I think not!
So, with that being somewhat said but not necessarily communicated I present you with this: My Conspiracy Theory.
Ready for this?
Theory: The current Economic Crisis and the Swine Flu pandemic are both government-organised schemes to make the general public lose weight.

PROOF
In the mid 80’s a group of three working class men decided to create a new diet, to be marketed mainly toward fat people. In 1987 they released their product, “The Life and Dearth Diet” to mixed reviews. The diet involved being too broke to buy food, and only surviving on stolen pieces of bread and fruit, or government-provided meals. The diet found some popularity but has always been regarded as a somewhat taboo form of weight management, with some scholars even campaigning against the diet in the early nineties, labelling it as “completely retarded”.
In late 2007, one of the Co-founders of the Life and Dearth diet was employed by the government to help find a cure for the then-current Obesity Epidemic. The Results? A government funded project code named “The Great Depression Fad Diet”. The Project outlines a plan which is a basic up-scaling and secret enforcement of the Life and Dearth diet on a global level. Phase one of the project, to create a Global Economic Crisis, has already taken place in 2008. Experts predict that the Great Depression diet will be fully enforced by the year 2012.

The government has also hired two other fad-diet entrepreneurs to work together on a second project code named “Viral Dieting”. The unlikely duo consists of:

• Prof. Oshirino Uso: This Japanese Professor became well known in the 90’s for his study on the weight-gain effects of oil-infused air particles, in which he found that the very air we breath can cause weight gain unless properly filtered. Professor Uso went on to market affordable paper face-masks available to the general public.

• Sandy Miller: An aspiring Super Model turned Fad-Diet entrepreneur, Miller experimented with various weight-management regimes thru her early modelling career, all of which involved the use of a virus or disease to lose large amounts of weight in very short periods of time. She found that most effective was Influenza, and so began her hunt for different flu strains. She soon discovered that there was a seriously short supply of flu strains available to the general public. In 2003 Miller turned her career towards chemistry, in order to create new strains of influenza.

The Viral Dieting Project will bring these two dieting theories together, by introducing new highly contagious Influenza strains, and marketing the air-fat-filtering face masks as survival tools. This clever marketing scheme takes the focus off of the “weight loss” aspect, and shifts it more towards the concept of “not dying”.  The Project was initially tested in Mexico in early 2009 with Millers latest strain entitled “H1N1”, and since has gained popularity throughout the world.
The Project aims to have 55% of people falling in the categories of “Flu infected”, “Mask Wearing” or “Both” by the year 2010. (See chart - below)

This evidence, coupled with the fact that my breakfast and lunch today have consisted of hard liquor, have led me to this conclusion: Everyone in the world will look great within 5 years.

Thank you for your time.