October 2011
2 posts
An epiphany...
Michelle: i met this guy in Vegas and when he asked what I do, I said I'm a neuroscientist
he was like "bullshit, you're making that up"
I've gone, "please, if i were making it up, I'd go for some kind of interesting or sexy career"
there's nothing sexy about scientists
me: haha
i just realised something...
when i was on holiday
i met like 4 girls who were 'air hostesses'
...those fucking liars!
Michelle: HAHAHAHAHA
sucker!!
me: and i engaged the conversation and everything!
"oh wow, i met an air hsotess yesterday!"
so stupid...
Michelle: hahaha that's hilarious
i've told people I'm an air hostess before
me: really!?
ahhh christ
im such an idiot
Michelle: yep
you are
me: but at least that means they were trying to seem sexier than they are... thats good
next time a woman tells me shes an air hostess im going to immediately ask if she wants to leave
hahaha
Michelle: hahaha
me: "airhostess? cool, wanna get outta here?"
Michelle: just cut to the chase
"You're an airhostess? Great, I'm a firefighting doctor... Let's go have sex"
me: u get the champagne, i'll prepare my fire hose
Michelle: I just need to locate the nearest exit, remembering that it might be behind me
September 2011
2 posts
Sometimes when I’m talking on the phone I accidentaly use the wrong there/they’re/their and I’m like phew, thank god it’s over the phone and they couldn’t see.
2 tags
August 2011
2 posts
death.
Last night, I don’t know what time, but while we were both asleep, my lover died. I woke up and straight away noticed it was eerily quiet. I looked to her to ask the time and just couldn’t wake her. She just stared blankly back at me. NO! I cried, please god let her live! But she was gone. I looked at my computer screen, it was 8:54 am, 6 minutes before my bus came. Usually she wakes me up in...
Whyyyy does it take so long...
For years now, the locals who walk to our local mall have had to trot down a steep, grassy hill to get from the footpath, to the mall car park (the orange line on the map). There is a footpath you can follow, but it adds close to 300 meters of walking to your journey (the green line on the map). It’s just much faster to go down the grassy hill. There is even a path stamped out down the hill from...
May 2011
1 post
1 tag
April 2011
8 posts
this is what it's like trying to describe a... →
I must quickly rush out and do some drugs!
1 tag
What did I do this weekend? Oh, just spoke to a... →
You’ll notice that he used the word “great” three times in one sentence in response to my question.
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
2 tags
rant about elevator advertisements
There’s ads in the elevator in my building that always try to make jokes about the fact that you are in an elevator, as if you are gunna be like WHOA HOW DID THAT AD KNOW I WAS IN AN ELEVATOR!??!?
That’s the whole premise of every single elevator ad - it has to refer to an elevator. They get so hung up on referring to you being in an elevator that they forget to actually make sense or be...
When I switch on my retarded phone.
First off, it starts to vibrate for no reason, except maybe to let you know that it has acknowledged the pressing of the power button. There is no other hint to this, as nothing appears to happen at all for the first 5 or 10 seconds.
The screen goes white for a few seconds, then the splash screen comes up saying HTC. Then this ridiculously loud jingle plays, and there is no way to make it not...
Manager of the Year, 2011...
This is what’s just happened on the other side of my desk partition.
Very unprofessional manager lady:
sits on the desk of one of her team members, says in very casual tone
“So Jun, how’d you go at the doctors? You got Diabetes?”
Timid Chinese woman:
“Ah, no.”
really long awkward pause.
“they did some test and it’s not diabetes.”
Very unprofessional manager lady:
“Oh, well that’s good....
WatchBrowsing tumblr from the studio today.
2 tags
March 2011
1 post
February 2011
1 post
Emails with Andy
For the sake of posterity I'm going to start posting some of my stupid email conversations with friends on here. This is from Thursday last week. It was a slow day.
Andy: Man I can’t wait for Friday to come.
Me: Oh man… I’ve been hanging out for this Friday since last Friday and I already can’t wait until next Friday!!
Andy: I’ve got this idea for a movie – imagine if they changed “Friday”, into “FURday” !!!
And people wore FUR on that day!
I’m thinking Daniel Day-Lewis for the lead role
Me: I see it more as an animated kids movie, where on every Friday all the kids in town go out into the woods to play with the animals, then when they have found their favourite animal they skin it and wear it’s fur for the rest of the weekend. At the start of the movie the main characters father dies, but by the end of the movie he has become the man of the house and his mum and his sisters are super proud
Andy: Yes because he skinned Big Boris, the meanest old grizzly gear in the woods. Also Big Boris killed his father. The movie ends with him wearing Big Boris’s fur, and being carried down the street by all his friends who are cheering and celebrating. Someone high-fives someone else and the movie ends on a close up of the hands hitting and them both saying “FURDAY!”
Me: Dude…. you’re a genius. That ending is FURFECT!
Andy: Coming this summer;
From the makers of Shawshank Redemption and Forest Gump.
FURDAY!
Get furked!
Me: Take a furnd! It’s the Furfect way to spend your day! Fur real this movie is so good it will be remembered furrever! Don’t Furget
Andy: There’ll be furries everywhere :/
Man today is dragging on like one of those drag queens. Disgusting.
Me: Your damn straight it is. A massive drag. Dragging like a daggy rag through the mud, or a pit like Brad.. When it’s over I’ll stop being sad and start being glad. But right now its just so bad that I’m getting mad like my dad
Andy: Is your dad mad? Or are you mad at your dad for being bad? Who cares about dumb old dad anyway, they only play a role in your life until you realise you’ve outgrown them and they aren’t a role model any more. Then you have a boxing match with him and defeat him. Its classic Oedipus complex stuff. Then you marry your mum.
Me: I’ve always dreamed of fighting your dad and then marrying your mum
Andy: That’s funny cos I’ve always dreamed that we were brothers and you were also somehow my dad.
Me: That’s hilarious cos I’ve always dreamed that I’m falling backwards but then I wake up just before I hit the ground and my bed is soaking wet.
___
There were several more emails after this but it basically just degenerated into complete nonsense. Not that we were ever that far away from complete nonsense to begin with.
January 2011
2 posts
MODERN WISDOM
A wink is never appropriate in the work place.
Why I Hate Australia
This is an exact recounting, to the best of my memory, of a confrontation that I experienced on a bus, sometime in November 2010. It was around 2pm on a weekday, and my girlfriend and I were heading home from a shopping mall in Chadstone, Victoria, Australia.
I don’t believe there are too many other places in the world where something like this would occur, hence the title of this piece.
We sat...
November 2010
2 posts
Duck Related Humour #0002
Duck Related Humour #0001
October 2010
2 posts
September 2010
3 posts
2 tags
“As Ovid be an outcast quite abjured:
Balk logic with acquaintance that you have...”
– Shakespeare - The Taming of the Shrew
Wondering who Ovid is?
6 tags
Spoilt for choice = I can't focus
I’m trying to read The taming of the Shrew. I want to read it. I have the full text saved to my laptop as well as a Shakespeare glossary to help me decipher it and I’m all set, ready to enjoy the story. Bring on the womanizing.
Alas! Cotton!
So heres my problem; I load up the play in one tab, the glossary in the next, and finally facebook in the third, just you know, to have a quick...
A wolf/dog hybrid exists, and is pretty much the most awesome thing in existence. And there is a type of wolf called “red wolf”, which is known as the greyhound of wolves.
So, my question is, could somebody please make me a greyhound/red wolf hybrid?
thanks.
April 2010
1 post
March 2010
4 posts
I just googled “whats that faggoty movie about brothers with will ferrell?” and got exactly the answer I wanted.
morefunthanbeingsad:
pleasefireme:
Please fire me. My boss thinks the phrase is “For all intensive purposes”.
I hate it when people say this. IT’S “FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES” YOU IDIOTS!!
I posted this on please fire me, then my friend joel re-blogged me. Only he didn’t know it was posted by me. What a massive internet coincidence! Now I’m reblogging him! What tangled...
December 2009
2 posts
September 2009
2 posts
a little joke i've been working on...
A woman walks into a bar.
“What’ll it be, sweetheart” asks the barman.
“I’ll have a gin and tonic” she replied. She hadn’t had one in years, but back in her uni days, a decade ago, this was her favourite drink when out with the girls.
“Certainly”
She straightened her self on the bar stool and smoothed out her skirt along her knees. She thought to herself; “Yes, this is good for me”.
The bar...
July 2009
4 posts
The Army, the edge of reason.
I believe it was Clive Owen who said “live and let live”, and when a man who is practically the next Jesus says something like this, all you can do is sit back and live and try not to kill anyone. Oh, the Jesus thing? I heard something about both his parents being men. A miracle that I consider to be even more miraculous than Mary’s Immaculate Conception. But alas, I digress. My point is; armies...
would you look at that?
The Sea Eel. Definitely the ugliest living creature on planet earth. Arguably the ugliest thing to ever be created. Just look at the hideous teeth. Look at its longer jaw. I just want to poke it in that disgusting little eye. So how does it make sense that this yacht, which looks to me like the eel, is probably the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen? Shit makes no sense.
See more pics of the yacht...
June 2009
5 posts
Is this as awesome as think it might be?
Here’s a little bit of English language awesomeness that I’ve been thinking about for the last few months or so. I can’t figure out if it actually is awesome or I just misunderstood something and thought it was… you tell me. So it happened on a podcast with the band Bring me the Horizon (English lads) and some American guy interviewing them. He asked something like “What makes your singer Oliver...
No matter what it is, The Beatles did it first.
The Beatles 8th studio album “Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club” is considered almost unanimously as their most experimental album. But, what a lot of experts don’t realise is that early in their career The Beatles experimented at least the same amount, if not more, than they did in the later stages of their career. The only difference was that a lot of the experimental sounds they...
MODERN WISDOM:
Make like a tree and just stand there.
MODERN WISDOM:
A watched pot will boil.
This has been proven in numerous studies by real life scientists.
The weight of the world
I’m not usually one to theorise insanely, but I’m going to anyway because frankly my mental health is diminishing rapidly due to work-place boredom and also because the lines I’ve drawn between several highly speculative conjectures are hard to ignore. Or are they? You be the Judge. Or do you? The two biggest issues in the world today are direct cures for the last decade’s...
May 2009
1 post
February 2009
4 posts
women's is the stupider gender
Andy: If ur ever guna do a pyramid scheme, make sure ur product is aimed at women. Tupperware parties are ridiculous; the women actually get all giddy and excited about how they are being ripped off! Lol, and the big trick involved? Its not lying, or scheming… its common children’s activities like fun trivia games where u win a “prize” valued at “$35.95” – a plastic sandwich container, which is actually worth about 10 cents, including shipping, Chinese child slave labour, and a 40% wholesale profit margin.
Marie bought me an ice tray last night. A standard plastic icetray, with a brilliant (pointless) Tupperware innovation… a LID! Yes that’s right, an icetray with a lid!!!! Wow!!
How much would u expect to pay for such a brilliant item?
Steve: id pay at least $2.37 for such an item!
Andy: No joke… I'm f*cking serious right now…. $41.95
THAT’S FORTY TWO AUSTRALIAN GOD DAM DOLLARS. WHAT THE F*CKING HELL IS THAT!!!!
I'm amazed… amazed at how ridiculous that is. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. That’s so bad its impressive… its gone beyond badness and reached a state of awe... like hitler.
Yes I'm comparing Tupperware to Hitler. what?
Steve: ROFL $42 how the feck does that even work? how does that make sense to anyone. Did the lid have prada inscribed on it or something? Unless that icetray holds along the lines of 1200 cubes id say shes been had!
Andy: I rekon I can find a freezer on ebay for less than that. a whole freezer.
With a lid.
modern wisdom:
time flies when you’re on the phone to a woman
modern wisdom:
don’t force it, jiggle it.
January 2009
14 posts
fuck im emo today
i just want to re-itterate a quote ive posted earlier, an einstein quote, which i think deserves a careful read. it pretty much perfectly sums up what frustrates me on a daily basis. “Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his...