Watevs...

Rant that you don’t particularly have to read

Americans just always seem to be dumb. Like, when im reading an article or about something discovered by American scientists, or a poem written by an American poet, or a report by USA scholar, etc, I just think of it as second rate. Like this one podcast I was listening to called ‘the history of the world’. He spends about 30 mins explaining how “modern” historians are now focusing on OTHER countries, and he tries to put it in perspective just how much stuff happened outside the USA in the history of the world, as if people don’t actually realise that Asia and Europe have history 50,000 times more complex than America. And then, even still its completely ingrained with an American bias and everything he talks about is related back to America!!

And another example, i looked up “which season are most humans born”, just curious if its still spring like the rest of the mammals. One page is like “most people are born in spring (feb-april)”. This is published on the world wide web u f*cking moron, feb to april isn’t spring everywhere in the world. Then the explanation is like cos there’s the most food in spring (fair enough) and because people keep the doors open to their houses and they go for walks, allowing the baby to get fresh air. WTF? Its so obvious that its spring because that means winter is furthest away, and coldness is probably the biggest threat to a new born, but they don’t seem to have noticed this. They haven’t noticed that people eat and drink more during winter, ensuring that the baby will be well nourished by mum pigging out all winter. They haven’t noticed a lot of things.

Anyway, these are just two examples that come to mind. It always happens tho, I find that reading a lot of stuff by Americans is frustrating as f*ck. Its nearly as frustrating as reading something by an Australian.

Vegemite give new product a shit name

Vegemite is an Australian icon. I don’t really need to go on about it, because it is so synonymous with aussie culture that I don’t feel it needs explaining.

They’ve recently launched a new product with no name. The product is a mix of Vegemite and Kraft cream cheese. There was then a massive campaign for customers to help name the product by purchasing the product, trying it and suggesting a name.

The result? Some guy named Dean Robbins had an absolute stroke of genius and suggested… (take a deep breath because this, my friend, is fucking retarded)

iSnack 2.0

Let that sink in a moment.

iSnack
two
point
zero

ok, so have you thought for a few moments about that yet? Lets move on then…

Things to note:

• The small “i” at the beginning of the word, which is capitalised (Snack). They’ve jumped on this bandwagon about, I dunno, 4 years after it became fucking lame as hell. In fact, any product which isn’t made by apple, but has a lower case “i” at the beginning is fucking lame and tacky. I expect this from cheap Chinese computer or iPod accessories, but Kraft… come on… this is nearly as bad as the time you renamed Vegemite to “Parwill” in an attempt to one-up the British rival product “Marmite”. That actually happened by the way…
• Why market this as a snack? It’s a spread. Put it on toast, that’s breakfast right there. Or is that… is that not allowed?
• The physical act of combining vegemite with cheese is one of the most satisfying things on earth. Why would you take that away from me?
• 2.0, are you serious? Is that necessary? It’s not a piece of software… There are not going to be minor upgrades released are there? Also, as far as I know this is the first release of this product so it should be either “iSnack 1.0” or “Vegemite 2.0 – iSnack”, but not “iSnack 2.0”.
• If it suddenly changes to iSnack 2.1, would you question what has changed?

Here’s how this will most likely go down:
“Hey mum. Can I have some iSnack 2.0?”
“Son, we need to have a chat… Are you on drugs?”

a little joke i've been working on...

A woman walks into a bar.

“What’ll it be, sweetheart” asks the barman.

“I’ll have a gin and tonic” she replied. She hadn’t had one in years, but back in her uni days, a decade ago, this was her favourite drink when out with the girls.

“Certainly”

She straightened her self on the bar stool and smoothed out her skirt along her knees. She thought to herself; “Yes, this is good for me”.

The bar man returned with her drink. “Hey, a wedding ring? What are you doing out here?”

She looked up.

“Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen?” he continuted. He laughed deeply at this and walked away to serve the other patrons.

She stared into her drink and tried not to look like she was verging on tears. Her husband had died one year ago from that day. This was the first time she’d been out since. She couldn’t bring herself to remove the ring.

That night she went home with the bar man. They had sex and the barman slept where Patrick used to sleep. The next day, the woman killed herself in the bath tub.

 … I cant think of a punchline, but what do u think so far?

Hey! Fat kid...

Do you like the book Lord of the rings?
Do you like the movie based on the book Lord of the rings?
Do you like the game based on the movie based on the book Lord of the rings?

Well get ready for the movie based on the game based on the movie of the book Lord of the rings.

World of Warcraft - The Movie. Coming soon.

The Army, the edge of reason.

I believe it was Clive Owen who said “live and let live”, and when a man who is practically the next Jesus says something like this, all you can do is sit back and live and try not to kill anyone. Oh, the Jesus thing? I heard something about both his parents being men. A miracle that I consider to be even more miraculous than Mary’s Immaculate Conception. But alas, I digress. My point is; armies of the world keep coming up with ways to justify not letting people live.

Case in point: Aussie Troops will now hand out cash, as compensation, to silence the civilians whose lives have been accidentally destroyed by Aussie Defence Force soldiers. Here’s an example of how this will work:

“Oh, Fuck! Sorry mate, was that your wife’s head? Ohhh, sorry about her head!”
“Wobble flogle bloggle! Flob dobble!!”
“Well, obviously we can’t replace her head… but not too worry!”
“Blog floggle! Flop roblogle!”

** Aussie troop stuffs $10,000 USD down bloody neck cavity **
** Civilian stares in disbelief **

“So, Ten-thousand American bucks, how’s that?”

** Civilian stares in disbelief **

“What? Ohh, you drive a hard bargain!”

** Troop stuffs another $2,000 USD down bloody neck cavity **
** Civilian stares in disbelief **

“Good on ya, mate! Well, gotta run! Sorry again about the whole wife thing! We’re cool tho?”

** Civilian stares in disbelief **

“Awesome. Later bro!”

In theory, I can’t see anything wrong with this. I mean if you are going to kill innocent people, might as well have some cash on hand to pacify the distraught widows/children/parents. But what I am concerned about is this scenario:

“Sarge, I think a terrorist just went into that house.”
“Fire at will”
“But Sarge, there’s a problem. There is a family eating dinner in the house.”
“Hmm, that is a problem. I only have $20,000 USD left… How many are there?”
“Well, there’s a Mother, a Father, and it looks like 3 children.”
“Hmmm, and is the house particularly well furnished?”
“Well, no. The Mother is actually crouching on her hands and knees, and the rest of the family are using her as the dinner table. Wow, they look starving…”
“Fire at will”

But watevs… Onward, Christian soldiers.

would you look at that?

The Sea Eel. Definitely the ugliest living creature on planet earth. Arguably the ugliest thing to ever be created. Just look at the hideous teeth. Look at its longer jaw. I just want to poke it in that disgusting little eye.


So how does it make sense that this yacht, which looks to me like the eel, is probably the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen? Shit makes no sense.

See more pics of the yacht below. You definitely want to:
http://www.baekdal.com/design/architecture/yacht-concept-design/

Is this as awesome as think it might be?

Here’s a little bit of English language awesomeness that I’ve been thinking about for the last few months or so. I can’t figure out if it actually is awesome or I just misunderstood something and thought it was… you tell me.
So it happened on a podcast with the band Bring me the Horizon (English lads) and some American guy interviewing them. He asked something like “What makes your singer Oliver such a great front man” (Note* the singer wasn’t present in the interview)
One of the members replied “He drinks a lot before he goes on stage”. This is a fairly lol worthy response I think, I probably did a little lol in my head at this point.
The next question was “What is your band’s biggest fault?”
To which they replied “Oliver drinks too much”.
Again, pretty funny and witty. They made some comments about how they’re biggest strength is simultaneously their biggest weakness.
At this point one of the members said “ah, its all swings and roundabouts isn’t it!”
Now this is an old English idiom which is used to describe a situation where there are as many disadvantages as there are advantages and kind of relates to the cyclic pattern of such things.
“Swings and roundabouts?” the American repeats. He doesn’t seem to understand the phrase.
Now this is the bit that I can’t figure out if its genius or not, but the band member responds: “Yeah, only good until you go too far”.
Now, that’s not at all what the saying means, but it is true of swings, roundabouts, and drinking – it’s a relevant metaphor, possibly more relevant than the actual meaning of the saying. Is the guy ridiculously quick-witted, or am I just missing something?
Also, it should be noted that Oliver did indeed get charged with urinating on a female fan who refused to have sex with him, so be sure to factor that into the equation.

No matter what it is, The Beatles did it first.

The Beatles 8th studio album “Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club” is considered almost unanimously as their most experimental album. But, what a lot of experts don’t realise is that early in their career The Beatles experimented at least the same amount, if not more, than they did in the later stages of their career. The only difference was that a lot of the experimental sounds they created didn’t make it to the albums. If you look closely at this picture you can see The Beatles experimenting with a slight variation to the standard drum kit.

The hit single “Yesterday” is another excellent example of experimental sounds which were scrapped from the final public release. During the recording process for Yesterday, Paul McCartney’s fascination with the un-restricted vocal capabilities of an infant child led to some rather out-there experimentation. Paul had learnt that infants have perfect vocal techniques due to their lack of self-consciousness, a technique which can not be perfected to the same degree after a child grows up and begins to realize social pressures from external sources. Wishing to capture this vocal purity, Paul employed several babies to come into the recording studio and sing on the “Yesterday” recording. Child labor laws threw some hurdles up here, but when the babies agreed to offer their work voluntarily, the experiment was given the go-ahead. However, Paul became frustrated with the babies when he learnt that they could not pronounce the word “Suddenly”, and resorted to torturing the babies to death.  Paul was satisfied with the baby death-screams and wished to leave them on the recording, but eventually the decision to include them on the final release was overthrown by Capitol records, who declared the screams to be “a little pitchy”.

So, there you have it. Proof that if anything, the drugs toned them down a little.

MODERN WISDOM:

Make like a tree and just stand there.

MODERN WISDOM:

A watched pot will boil.

This has been proven in numerous studies by real life scientists.